Fun & Games

From the warped mind of Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates. When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?”

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I have an existential map. It has “You are here” written all over it.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,
“Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear him talk.

 

I HAVE A PONY
Released in 1984

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

For more Steven Wright comedy, visit his Web site at stevenwright.com